Selfish

I am thinking of being selfish.

Today was bad - long story that involves one car (no longer driven by me) that must be put up for sale, but the person who has driven it most recently must have driven into something. 4 hours and a scheduled return visit for later this week to the garage - and I am fed up.

Mostly because I called - a second time - to enquire about the car hitting something (hard enough to pop out the bumper, crack the windshield wiper fluid bucket and shatter the fog lamp) and felt the need to ask - as the car is in my name and I will be selling it - "Did you have an accident? Because I am the one selling the car and you need to be honest because there could be legal repercussions for me."

Well. Apparently I have no right to question his honesty. He is not willing to take responsibility for the fact that all his lies (and they are on-going, her keeps getting caught in them) have led me to question his word. He was so insulted. I told him that he had earned it - and yes, maybe I was yelling. For the first time.

The indignant rage that came down the phone line, the condescending tone of voice belittling me... it pushed me over the edge and as he very coldly said "Right, we're done here." and tried to hang up - well I admit to screeching "F*&% YOU!" and slamming the hang up button (not nearly as empowering as slamming down a receiver I must admit). Not my finest moment.

It's the first time I've lost my cool that way with him over this - and I realized that there is a good reason that we've never really fought all these years. Because he's a BULLY. He either cried to manipulate me or did whatever he had to do to shut me down and win.

My sister-in-law - who you would never know was raised by the same parents, she is so fair and even and just generally not good with all this crap of his - called tonight and helped me get back on the straight and narrow. I am thankful.

And (and and and... it is late, I am tired, but I need to get this out...) I realized how much back-sliding I have done in the past week or so.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him. Right now I don't even want to continue in mediation with him - what's the point in mediating with someone who lies through his teeth and shows no intention of following through with anything that he agrees to. There has to be a desire to work through in good faith on both parts, and an intention to honour what is decided.

You have to have integrity to mediate I think. And he has none.

And so... I have decided I don't want to go to the hockey tournament with him in 12 days. Oh yes, away tournament and despite his son spending weeks saying he didn't want him to go all he would say was "But I've booked the time off."

Too bad. Really, I don't care. I don't want to go with him there. It is supposed to be my weekend off and I need a weekend off. So he can pick another weekend to come. The one before or the one after or the one after that.

But I am going to tell my son in the morning that I can't be where his father is. I know it's harsh. And I know it's not right to put my son in the position of having to have one parent over the other.

I know it's not fair. Really I do.

But I am the only one playing by the rules. I am the only one trying to be fair to everyone. I am the one trying to make everyone else happy. This situation is not fair and as much as I bend over backwards to try and make it fair - well it's a losing battle. I can't protect my kids from their father's poor choices and on-going disregard for anyone else's feelings or needs.

And all that is doing is making me unhappy. I am the one who has to raise these kids almost single-handed. He is the one who has made choices and now wants nothing to do with the consequences.

Too F-ing bad. You can't play fair with someone who doesn't have any intention of treating you properly. I am done playing.

I am done. I don't care if I am selfish. I don't care if I am a bitch. This is a man that told me he knew his decision to move 2 time zones away was egotistical but he didn't care. He'd be a better father 2 days a month because he would be happy. What the rest of us wanted or needed was - and still is - of no consequence to him.

So call me what you like - as long as it's not door mat.

stay out of the family section

What's up with family movies? Or is it just the ones I rent?

In October - when we were still doing our Saturday Family Movie Night - I rented Imagine That. Eddie Murphy as a divorced workaholic who discovers that his daughter is way more important than his career. Yeah, we watched that one with the father of my children and as soon as it was over he got up and said he had to go to the office. Apparently that touching scene at the end when Eddie Murphy tells his new boss that he is with his family and work will have to wait - well apparently that did not warm his heart.

Tonight we watched Old Dogs. In my defence NOWHERE on the case does it say that Robin Williams is the DAD. It says that it's two old bachelors who get saddled with twins and hilarity ensues... which is true, there are some pretty funny scenes.

Not funny? Not funny that the dad chooses to move to Japan then realizes his mistake and moves to Vermont to be near his kids - even if they don't want to see him. Not funny. Luckily Julia had gone to bed.

I know not everyone's situation is like ours. And I know that most dads don't mess up like my kids' dad. But really - with the amount of divorce out there, the number of dads that aren't around, the number of deadbeat dads... really? Does Disney have to romanticize fatherhood so much? Really, just try it guys, you don't think you want to be a father but once you are - hey! You'll see the light! Change your life! Be a better person.

It's not the reality. I don't have facts or figures to quote. But after the movie was over Stuart asked me if I know of any single dads. I thought about it... hmmmm. What would qualify a dad to be a single dad? That he's divorced and takes more than 50% of the child rearing? Because no, I don't know any of those.

I'm not trying to slam men here. I understand that divorce happens and that some men can come out of it as better parents. That's the kind of story you like to hear. Dads who have or get their acts together and really parent. Dads who are good dads regardless of whether or not they are with the mother of their children. I know a lot of really great fathers.

In my case I sat here holding the hand of a young boy whose father is the anti-thesis of the dad in the movie. He said he wanted kids. He talked the talk but couldn't walk the walk. Couldn't give them the time when he was here. And now he's chosen to live 2600km - two time zones - from his children. He's going to be a 36 hour a month dad.

Unfortunately I think that is far more the norm than the pretty picture Disney painted in Old Dogs. I don't want to know the numbers - they would depress me.

I just don't think we should be putting these fantasy fathers out there for kids who may well have been hurt already. Kids that probably already feel like there is something wrong with them that their dad is not that interested.

Because if other split families are like mine it's probably dad taking the kids to see the movie - great way to be with your kids without actually having to engage.

Full head of steam

Grrrrrr....

So - the City camp programs opened up this morning and as I had agreed with the Jackass I went on to register for certain things.

Only after I had did I see the email from his sister saying that she was surprised to know that he had discussed dates with me since he has not called her.

Which is relevant because : He's taking the kids to her house for his vacation with her.

He gave me the dates he wanted in January and has not bothered in 6+ weeks to consult her.

And I have now booked (and paid for) summer camps based on that information.

Not to mention that the credit card that I am supposed to use to pay for these expenses was refused for two of the camps. Because it's at the limit. (which is a high limit by the way).

So his $400 of wine, $250 of shoes, $232 of sports equipment, dinners out and all that fun stuff he's getting to do - meant that I had to put almost $400 on my credit card (that has a very low limit thank you, so $400 puts a sizable dent in my available credit in case of emergency).

You know, me, the one with no income at present who is not even getting the minimum in support until we have our finances sorted out and a signed separation agreement. Whereas he is living in a 2 income household where one of the income earners is a DOCTOR.

But really - I am being unreasonable.

His blatant disregard for anyone other than himself is really really REALLY getting to me today. Seriously, so I mean nothing to him, but his KIDS?? Don't they deserve better?

Okay, now I am going to try and let go of this anger because the only person it's hurting is me.

sowing the seeds of...?

Yesterday I was in the driveway being motivated by my good friend and neighbour to clean out the car.

I found a baggie full of hollyhock seeds that we purchased on vacation in August. We went to Prince Edward County and there were hollyhocks everywhere. I loved them.

The last day we were there Marc pulled the car over on a small road and did a U-turn. All over the island were small stads where you could buy things on the honour system - take what you want and leave your money. This was just a tupperware container on a post with a sign that read "Hollyhock Seeds $2".

We must have driven by the sign at least 10 times that week. We had seen it the first day but then hadn't been able to find it again and I'd given up.

As we pulled up and my face broke into a huge grin Marc said something like "Who takes care of you? You love them and I love you."

How on earth he decided to sleep with someone else a month later and walk out on our marriage I will never know. I know we had issues, I know there was a lot we had to work on - I see it more now than I could have then. But how he could just walk out on the whole thing without even trying - just because he suddenly he decided he was done... I don't get it.

But I can understand how I have been so blind sided by all of this - I knew I wasn't happy with certain things. I knew there were things we needed to address and I was trying to. He just always said he was happy and that he loved me so much. If he was unhappy he wasn't telling me about it - and was telling me things to the contrary.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I just can't believe this is my life. Even when I knew we were separating I thought that it was for the best - because I thought we'd hit an impasse, that we needed to really look at ourselves separately and figure out how to proceed, to figure out what we each needed and if what we needed could be found with each other or not. And if not, I figured we were dismantling our marriage one brick at a time, slowly, respectfully, taking the kids needs as most important, trying to get out on good terms if that was what was best.

I didn't expect the months of his lies to come out. I see how stupid I was, but I didn't really think he was lying. I still believed that underneath whatever this "crisis" was doing to him was the guy who stopped to get me hollyhock seeds.

Hindsight is 20/20. I know now that I was a fool. But I was not prepared for him to throw a bomb under our entire life and walk out that way. And to go running to someone else.

I still can't get over it.

Pop Quiz

So here's your question people:

You have walked out on your kids and moved two time zones away . Never fear - you're going to be a better father because you will now be HAPPY. You will be in town from Thursday evening until Sunday noon. You want the kids Friday after school. When your soon(not soon enough for her)-to-be ex-wife suggests you meet them at 4:00 pm so you can spend some time with the kids before the boy's hockey game at 6:00 pm do you say:

a) Sure thing! I can't wait to see my kids! It's been a month!

b) Sure thing! I can't wait to see my kids!! And I am sure you could use a little break seeing as you have less than 48 hours off a month - I am happy to help as much as I can since I am here!

c)Um... I have a lot to do. You know, now that I have to go and check the attic at the house we're selling.* And ...mumble mumble (some jumbo about work, soon to be ex-wife stops listening because she is sick and tired of hearing what a big deal it is for him to take time in order to come here, he's so important yadda yadda yadda).

d) Um... I have a lot to do. You know, now that I have to go and check the attic at the house we're selling.* And ...mumble mumble (some jumbo about work, soon to be ex-wife stops listening because she is sick and tired of hearing what a big deal it is for him to take time in order to come here, he's so important yadda yadda yadda). AND THEN PROCEED TO CALL UP A BUDDY WHO LIVES 40 MINUTES AWAY AND DRIVE OUT THERE TO HAVE A COUPLE OF BEERS WITH HIM AND SHOW UP 5 MINUTES LATE TO MEET YOUR KIDS.

Are you thinking?

I know, you have to check your normal thoughts at the door here.

Is that your final answer?

AND THE ANSWER IS : d

Of course it's d.

How could it be anything else? We're glad you have some common sense and realize that this guy is a cad and weren't snowed once again like his soon(not soon enough for her)-to-be-ex-wife. Yeah, she's a chump.

In her defense she'd really rather be someone who doesn't assume the worst of someone and can't grasp how anyone wouldn't make the right call here. So she's thinking that she may be kinda dumb sometimes but at least she's not rotten inside. She'd rather that any day.

* You need to understand that the whole attic thing is NOT HIS FAULT. He asked a buddy** to check it - and geez that buddy forgot to check it. Hard to get good friends these days. Good thing that he breezed into town in order to save the day and find the 3 very very dead mice that have been there undoubtedly for months. He's a HERO! (Dear Readers - yes, you are right. He was living in the house up until 7 weeks ago. And yes, he did tell his soon (not soon enough for her)-to-be ex-wife that he'd been checking the traps regularly and that they were empty so he'd taken them down since they had peanut butter in them and the thought of that up there for months on end - try not to think of the dead mice - is just gross. You make a valid point but he doesn't function well in reality - only in his little fantasy world where he is a HERO! Yippee!)

** Buddy is a GREAT GUY. A really great guy who spent 4 evenings and a complete weekend cleaning out jackass's crap and painting etc even once jackass had left. He is one of the most conscientious people I've met (and I've known him for 14 years) and must be suffering from some debilitating mental illness at the moment since he seems to have "forgotten" a bunch of other stuff that he promised to do. We have to go easy on him. (Get that thought out of your brain - NO! Really? You think that Jackass might not have asked him to do all those things? Shhhh... stop that. No, I know. I think so too. But that kind of thinking is not permitted in Never Never Land!)

my get up and go got up and left

I am not having a good morning. I am tired - I stayed up too late reading. A good book, a book that helped me see some light that I needed to see, but I am tired.

Stu had hockey. They tied - not bad except it's only the 3rd time all year they haven't won. When they don't win he feels it hard - it's one thing to be riding the wave of winning but when they don't... well then he sees all the other dads in the dressing room cheering their kids up. And for some reason I just don't cut it.

Our neighbours came to the game which was not good for Julia. She had pompoms to cheer with for her and the little girl but the little girl wanted to play with another little friend. So Julia ended up left out - I feel for her but she did nothing to really be included. So she is miserable and I can't help her. I can't make friends for her. I can suggest how she can act but she doesn't want to hear it.

I am down down down in the dumps. I need to get my at together and do things, but I don't seem to be able to do anything but feel like crying. The glass is half empty for sure - and I hate when I am like this.

Onwards and upwards... does it have to be this difficult? I know it does and that I don't have it nearly as bad as some but I am tired today. Tired to the bone.

Email I would love to send

Hey Jackass,

I thought you should know that B had to come and pick up the key this evening in order to get into the house on Winnegreen. The key you gave him - the one with the key chain from Colombia - is S (our Colombian neighbour) from #78's house key.

He spent over 3 hours at the house or running errands for the house tonight. He has grouted the kitchen with what grout was left, but there is a patch that is not done. He has replaced the screen in the fluorescent light in the kitchen. He has tried to clean up the patching on the walls - however he has not painted in the hallways, the kids rooms or in the master bedroom - because he had no paint. I guess you didn't bother to check if the paint was left over in the basement. Those colours were not there.

So I will go and buy paint tomorrow and I will do it. I will do it while both Julia and I have a cold. While I am trying to sort out what is left in the house because I can't make rhyme nor reason of what you have done with everything in there. And I guess I will rent a dumpster to take away the rest of your things.

I tried to pay B tonight for what he purchased at home depot. He says you gave him things out of the house that you weren't taking - well did you bother to ask me if they were things I wanted? You make this "magnanimous" gesture about letting me keep the contents of the house (translation - you can't be bothered to clean anything up) but then you give things away - please don't patronize me by saying my snowshoes were moved to B's by "mistake".

You were supposed to clean out the garage and get rid of the junk. You were supposed to take care of painting the walls and re-grouting along the kitchen countertop. You were supposed to have the carpets cleaned and get rid of your stuff - not leave it behind for me to deal with - I still have to go through and get rid of your books and such. From what I can see you threw away some of the garbage in the garage (or did B do it?) and made more of a mess in the house than it was when you found it and left me holding the bag again. And the carpets have not been cleaned.

I cannot get over your complete and total lack of responsibility towards me, the kids and the matter of selling the house. If you had any common decency you would have stayed and helped them through the packing and the move. If you had any decency you would have come and asked me how to help and made yourself available to the kids so I could get some unpacking done and their home in some semblance of order for them. But instead you come and don't make time to even get the necessary things done to put the house on the market. Yet you have time to go to a Fraternity Alumni meeting. I won't even address your lack of priorities.

You have no idea the stress you have put this family under. You are choosing not to see how your careless disregard towards your children and their mother has affected them. They have been through more in the past month than they needed to - you are selfish and self-serving and can only see your own needs in life. This on top of the lack of respect and self-absorption you have displayed over the last few months is truly dismal.

This is the last time I will ever bail you out. This is the last time I will ever have to put up with your failure to fulfill your duties. You are all talk and no action - you cannot follow through on anything you say you will do. You committed to staying until June- not only did you tell the kids you were moving January 1st without having a job, you then turned around and told them that you would be here for at least half the time until June - and then turned around and left without even saying good-bye to them.

I have more class than to fight over whatever you gave to B. I have more principles than to ask a friend who helped for things back. But I will have it noted in the agreement that you chose to give away certain articles and that you left the rest for me to dispose of. You are not the noble hero here leaving me everything - you are the lazy self-serving egotist who couldn't be bothered dispose of his own stuff.

I am no longer willing to share the proceeds from anything that is sold from the contents of the house. I made that agreement in good faith based on your promises to help with what was left of the house. You failed to fulfill your end of the bargain and I have learned - yet again - that good faith holds no stead with you. You are not worthy of my good faith and you will get no more of it.

I would like to know when you have called the mediator and how and when we will negotiate our separation agreement. If we are unable to do so could you please advise me of who your lawyer will be and I will have my lawyer deal with him or her directly.

In the meantime I will forward you my bank account details by separate email so that you can commence payments "without prejudice" to support your children.

I have really had enough of this behaviour now. As I said on Wednesday I have given you everything you have asked for. I would appreciate you showing me even half the respect and common courtesy I have shown you and get this matter resolved so I can move on with my life.

Signed,

I can't wait to be done with you