Selfish

I am thinking of being selfish.

Today was bad - long story that involves one car (no longer driven by me) that must be put up for sale, but the person who has driven it most recently must have driven into something. 4 hours and a scheduled return visit for later this week to the garage - and I am fed up.

Mostly because I called - a second time - to enquire about the car hitting something (hard enough to pop out the bumper, crack the windshield wiper fluid bucket and shatter the fog lamp) and felt the need to ask - as the car is in my name and I will be selling it - "Did you have an accident? Because I am the one selling the car and you need to be honest because there could be legal repercussions for me."

Well. Apparently I have no right to question his honesty. He is not willing to take responsibility for the fact that all his lies (and they are on-going, her keeps getting caught in them) have led me to question his word. He was so insulted. I told him that he had earned it - and yes, maybe I was yelling. For the first time.

The indignant rage that came down the phone line, the condescending tone of voice belittling me... it pushed me over the edge and as he very coldly said "Right, we're done here." and tried to hang up - well I admit to screeching "F*&% YOU!" and slamming the hang up button (not nearly as empowering as slamming down a receiver I must admit). Not my finest moment.

It's the first time I've lost my cool that way with him over this - and I realized that there is a good reason that we've never really fought all these years. Because he's a BULLY. He either cried to manipulate me or did whatever he had to do to shut me down and win.

My sister-in-law - who you would never know was raised by the same parents, she is so fair and even and just generally not good with all this crap of his - called tonight and helped me get back on the straight and narrow. I am thankful.

And (and and and... it is late, I am tired, but I need to get this out...) I realized how much back-sliding I have done in the past week or so.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him. Right now I don't even want to continue in mediation with him - what's the point in mediating with someone who lies through his teeth and shows no intention of following through with anything that he agrees to. There has to be a desire to work through in good faith on both parts, and an intention to honour what is decided.

You have to have integrity to mediate I think. And he has none.

And so... I have decided I don't want to go to the hockey tournament with him in 12 days. Oh yes, away tournament and despite his son spending weeks saying he didn't want him to go all he would say was "But I've booked the time off."

Too bad. Really, I don't care. I don't want to go with him there. It is supposed to be my weekend off and I need a weekend off. So he can pick another weekend to come. The one before or the one after or the one after that.

But I am going to tell my son in the morning that I can't be where his father is. I know it's harsh. And I know it's not right to put my son in the position of having to have one parent over the other.

I know it's not fair. Really I do.

But I am the only one playing by the rules. I am the only one trying to be fair to everyone. I am the one trying to make everyone else happy. This situation is not fair and as much as I bend over backwards to try and make it fair - well it's a losing battle. I can't protect my kids from their father's poor choices and on-going disregard for anyone else's feelings or needs.

And all that is doing is making me unhappy. I am the one who has to raise these kids almost single-handed. He is the one who has made choices and now wants nothing to do with the consequences.

Too F-ing bad. You can't play fair with someone who doesn't have any intention of treating you properly. I am done playing.

I am done. I don't care if I am selfish. I don't care if I am a bitch. This is a man that told me he knew his decision to move 2 time zones away was egotistical but he didn't care. He'd be a better father 2 days a month because he would be happy. What the rest of us wanted or needed was - and still is - of no consequence to him.

So call me what you like - as long as it's not door mat.

stay out of the family section

What's up with family movies? Or is it just the ones I rent?

In October - when we were still doing our Saturday Family Movie Night - I rented Imagine That. Eddie Murphy as a divorced workaholic who discovers that his daughter is way more important than his career. Yeah, we watched that one with the father of my children and as soon as it was over he got up and said he had to go to the office. Apparently that touching scene at the end when Eddie Murphy tells his new boss that he is with his family and work will have to wait - well apparently that did not warm his heart.

Tonight we watched Old Dogs. In my defence NOWHERE on the case does it say that Robin Williams is the DAD. It says that it's two old bachelors who get saddled with twins and hilarity ensues... which is true, there are some pretty funny scenes.

Not funny? Not funny that the dad chooses to move to Japan then realizes his mistake and moves to Vermont to be near his kids - even if they don't want to see him. Not funny. Luckily Julia had gone to bed.

I know not everyone's situation is like ours. And I know that most dads don't mess up like my kids' dad. But really - with the amount of divorce out there, the number of dads that aren't around, the number of deadbeat dads... really? Does Disney have to romanticize fatherhood so much? Really, just try it guys, you don't think you want to be a father but once you are - hey! You'll see the light! Change your life! Be a better person.

It's not the reality. I don't have facts or figures to quote. But after the movie was over Stuart asked me if I know of any single dads. I thought about it... hmmmm. What would qualify a dad to be a single dad? That he's divorced and takes more than 50% of the child rearing? Because no, I don't know any of those.

I'm not trying to slam men here. I understand that divorce happens and that some men can come out of it as better parents. That's the kind of story you like to hear. Dads who have or get their acts together and really parent. Dads who are good dads regardless of whether or not they are with the mother of their children. I know a lot of really great fathers.

In my case I sat here holding the hand of a young boy whose father is the anti-thesis of the dad in the movie. He said he wanted kids. He talked the talk but couldn't walk the walk. Couldn't give them the time when he was here. And now he's chosen to live 2600km - two time zones - from his children. He's going to be a 36 hour a month dad.

Unfortunately I think that is far more the norm than the pretty picture Disney painted in Old Dogs. I don't want to know the numbers - they would depress me.

I just don't think we should be putting these fantasy fathers out there for kids who may well have been hurt already. Kids that probably already feel like there is something wrong with them that their dad is not that interested.

Because if other split families are like mine it's probably dad taking the kids to see the movie - great way to be with your kids without actually having to engage.

Full head of steam

Grrrrrr....

So - the City camp programs opened up this morning and as I had agreed with the Jackass I went on to register for certain things.

Only after I had did I see the email from his sister saying that she was surprised to know that he had discussed dates with me since he has not called her.

Which is relevant because : He's taking the kids to her house for his vacation with her.

He gave me the dates he wanted in January and has not bothered in 6+ weeks to consult her.

And I have now booked (and paid for) summer camps based on that information.

Not to mention that the credit card that I am supposed to use to pay for these expenses was refused for two of the camps. Because it's at the limit. (which is a high limit by the way).

So his $400 of wine, $250 of shoes, $232 of sports equipment, dinners out and all that fun stuff he's getting to do - meant that I had to put almost $400 on my credit card (that has a very low limit thank you, so $400 puts a sizable dent in my available credit in case of emergency).

You know, me, the one with no income at present who is not even getting the minimum in support until we have our finances sorted out and a signed separation agreement. Whereas he is living in a 2 income household where one of the income earners is a DOCTOR.

But really - I am being unreasonable.

His blatant disregard for anyone other than himself is really really REALLY getting to me today. Seriously, so I mean nothing to him, but his KIDS?? Don't they deserve better?

Okay, now I am going to try and let go of this anger because the only person it's hurting is me.

sowing the seeds of...?

Yesterday I was in the driveway being motivated by my good friend and neighbour to clean out the car.

I found a baggie full of hollyhock seeds that we purchased on vacation in August. We went to Prince Edward County and there were hollyhocks everywhere. I loved them.

The last day we were there Marc pulled the car over on a small road and did a U-turn. All over the island were small stads where you could buy things on the honour system - take what you want and leave your money. This was just a tupperware container on a post with a sign that read "Hollyhock Seeds $2".

We must have driven by the sign at least 10 times that week. We had seen it the first day but then hadn't been able to find it again and I'd given up.

As we pulled up and my face broke into a huge grin Marc said something like "Who takes care of you? You love them and I love you."

How on earth he decided to sleep with someone else a month later and walk out on our marriage I will never know. I know we had issues, I know there was a lot we had to work on - I see it more now than I could have then. But how he could just walk out on the whole thing without even trying - just because he suddenly he decided he was done... I don't get it.

But I can understand how I have been so blind sided by all of this - I knew I wasn't happy with certain things. I knew there were things we needed to address and I was trying to. He just always said he was happy and that he loved me so much. If he was unhappy he wasn't telling me about it - and was telling me things to the contrary.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I just can't believe this is my life. Even when I knew we were separating I thought that it was for the best - because I thought we'd hit an impasse, that we needed to really look at ourselves separately and figure out how to proceed, to figure out what we each needed and if what we needed could be found with each other or not. And if not, I figured we were dismantling our marriage one brick at a time, slowly, respectfully, taking the kids needs as most important, trying to get out on good terms if that was what was best.

I didn't expect the months of his lies to come out. I see how stupid I was, but I didn't really think he was lying. I still believed that underneath whatever this "crisis" was doing to him was the guy who stopped to get me hollyhock seeds.

Hindsight is 20/20. I know now that I was a fool. But I was not prepared for him to throw a bomb under our entire life and walk out that way. And to go running to someone else.

I still can't get over it.