Today was bad - long story that involves one car (no longer driven by me) that must be put up for sale, but the person who has driven it most recently must have driven into something. 4 hours and a scheduled return visit for later this week to the garage - and I am fed up.
Mostly because I called - a second time - to enquire about the car hitting something (hard enough to pop out the bumper, crack the windshield wiper fluid bucket and shatter the fog lamp) and felt the need to ask - as the car is in my name and I will be selling it - "Did you have an accident? Because I am the one selling the car and you need to be honest because there could be legal repercussions for me."
Well. Apparently I have no right to question his honesty. He is not willing to take responsibility for the fact that all his lies (and they are on-going, her keeps getting caught in them) have led me to question his word. He was so insulted. I told him that he had earned it - and yes, maybe I was yelling. For the first time.
The indignant rage that came down the phone line, the condescending tone of voice belittling me... it pushed me over the edge and as he very coldly said "Right, we're done here." and tried to hang up - well I admit to screeching "F*&% YOU!" and slamming the hang up button (not nearly as empowering as slamming down a receiver I must admit). Not my finest moment.
It's the first time I've lost my cool that way with him over this - and I realized that there is a good reason that we've never really fought all these years. Because he's a BULLY. He either cried to manipulate me or did whatever he had to do to shut me down and win.
My sister-in-law - who you would never know was raised by the same parents, she is so fair and even and just generally not good with all this crap of his - called tonight and helped me get back on the straight and narrow. I am thankful.
And (and and and... it is late, I am tired, but I need to get this out...) I realized how much back-sliding I have done in the past week or so.
I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him. Right now I don't even want to continue in mediation with him - what's the point in mediating with someone who lies through his teeth and shows no intention of following through with anything that he agrees to. There has to be a desire to work through in good faith on both parts, and an intention to honour what is decided.
You have to have integrity to mediate I think. And he has none.
And so... I have decided I don't want to go to the hockey tournament with him in 12 days. Oh yes, away tournament and despite his son spending weeks saying he didn't want him to go all he would say was "But I've booked the time off."
Too bad. Really, I don't care. I don't want to go with him there. It is supposed to be my weekend off and I need a weekend off. So he can pick another weekend to come. The one before or the one after or the one after that.
But I am going to tell my son in the morning that I can't be where his father is. I know it's harsh. And I know it's not right to put my son in the position of having to have one parent over the other.
I know it's not fair. Really I do.
But I am the only one playing by the rules. I am the only one trying to be fair to everyone. I am the one trying to make everyone else happy. This situation is not fair and as much as I bend over backwards to try and make it fair - well it's a losing battle. I can't protect my kids from their father's poor choices and on-going disregard for anyone else's feelings or needs.
And all that is doing is making me unhappy. I am the one who has to raise these kids almost single-handed. He is the one who has made choices and now wants nothing to do with the consequences.
Too F-ing bad. You can't play fair with someone who doesn't have any intention of treating you properly. I am done playing.
I am done. I don't care if I am selfish. I don't care if I am a bitch. This is a man that told me he knew his decision to move 2 time zones away was egotistical but he didn't care. He'd be a better father 2 days a month because he would be happy. What the rest of us wanted or needed was - and still is - of no consequence to him.
So call me what you like - as long as it's not door mat.
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