I found a baggie full of hollyhock seeds that we purchased on vacation in August. We went to Prince Edward County and there were hollyhocks everywhere. I loved them.
The last day we were there Marc pulled the car over on a small road and did a U-turn. All over the island were small stads where you could buy things on the honour system - take what you want and leave your money. This was just a tupperware container on a post with a sign that read "Hollyhock Seeds $2".
We must have driven by the sign at least 10 times that week. We had seen it the first day but then hadn't been able to find it again and I'd given up.
As we pulled up and my face broke into a huge grin Marc said something like "Who takes care of you? You love them and I love you."
How on earth he decided to sleep with someone else a month later and walk out on our marriage I will never know. I know we had issues, I know there was a lot we had to work on - I see it more now than I could have then. But how he could just walk out on the whole thing without even trying - just because he suddenly he decided he was done... I don't get it.
But I can understand how I have been so blind sided by all of this - I knew I wasn't happy with certain things. I knew there were things we needed to address and I was trying to. He just always said he was happy and that he loved me so much. If he was unhappy he wasn't telling me about it - and was telling me things to the contrary.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I just can't believe this is my life. Even when I knew we were separating I thought that it was for the best - because I thought we'd hit an impasse, that we needed to really look at ourselves separately and figure out how to proceed, to figure out what we each needed and if what we needed could be found with each other or not. And if not, I figured we were dismantling our marriage one brick at a time, slowly, respectfully, taking the kids needs as most important, trying to get out on good terms if that was what was best.
I didn't expect the months of his lies to come out. I see how stupid I was, but I didn't really think he was lying. I still believed that underneath whatever this "crisis" was doing to him was the guy who stopped to get me hollyhock seeds.
Hindsight is 20/20. I know now that I was a fool. But I was not prepared for him to throw a bomb under our entire life and walk out that way. And to go running to someone else.
I still can't get over it.
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